55: I’ve got me!

I’ve been thinking why share my story? And if anything, 2020 has taught me is Why Not…. Life is short… you never know when your time is up.

So, 2020 started with me separating from my ex-husband after 13 years of marriage, it was a long time coming but I am the kind of person who does not like to give up easily, and did the same in my marriage, till we both realised that it was just not working. So, we parted ways in January 2020, and I moved back in with my mother, my dad passed away a long time ago.

2019 had not been a great year for me either as the company I had worked with for over twenty years went bankrupt and I could not find a new job. Add to that, my home was broken into and all my jewellery stolen (literally every single piece). Moving back in with mom was difficult, I had lived independently for over twenty-five years and now I was moving back with no job and a broken marriage. I felt like a failure.

I knew I had to process and deal with my feelings, but I was not ready yet and shut them out. And then, out of the blue, the world around me shutdown. My world had changed completely, and I was totally unprepared to deal with an unknown, unfamiliar external world too. I told myself no matter what comes my way I will deal with it. Of course, I did try to move on, but it was not easy. Initially, I found myself struggling, grieving the loss of a partner, work, my life and now the world due to the pandemic. Some days it was overwhelming, but then I would have the much-needed conversation with myself about how I was feeling, what I was expecting of myself and I decided to put the expectations aside and just feel. I stopped running away from the feelings of pain. It was hard, but I also began rediscovering myself – it dawned on me that I had lost my true essence in being someone’s wife for the last 13 years and had moulded myself to suit another’s needs. And in doing so, had lost me.

There were ups and downs and life kind of moved on but there was more I had to learn. I am an only child and my cousins have been my siblings. My fragile world was shattered again when I lost my two older cousins unexpectedly. One of them was someone I had idolized my whole life. Certain circumstances meant I could not go to his funeral and I found myself in a dark place again. I didn’t know how to cope with these losses as they reinforced that bits and pieces of my life were ebbing away. For a while I found I was spiralling down with not much to hold on to – I know now that it is not true, but at that moment, I could not find the strength to stand up, so I lay there for a few moments and told myself it’s okay. I didn’t have to be strong all the time, but I also knew this is not where I want to be. I wanted to stand up, feel again without being afraid all the time. And my girl tribe came to the rescue. My girlfriends have been with me throughout, listening to me, offering a shoulder to cry on, picking me up when I’m in pieces and surrounding me with love, strength and support, reminding me that each day I can, I must, and I will.

I’ve realized, life is short – don’t waste it, live it, enjoy it and more than anything be yourself, don’t change for anyone. My New Mantra is Self-Love and I choose to continue to live as one who loves herself more and lives life to the fullest.

I’m stronger today than I have ever been. I learnt to cook and experiment during the pandemic and have discovered I enjoy cooking, so now when my mind tries taking me on a trip, I rein it back looking up recipes and new things to try out. One can look at 2020 and chalk it up to being a year of losses – my brothers, work, marriage. I choose to look at all I have gained – the opportunity to spend quality time with my mom, know my tribe and hold them close, my health – I’m a breast cancer survivor and have been in remission for four years, an inner strength I didn’t know I had but most importantly I’ve got me, and I am enough!